I came to an understanding today.
I had that tingling feeling again, the one that puts a smile on my face and makes me do crazy things, like sending emails in the middle of the night, sharing songs that only mean the world to me, and starting discussions that never end well. I could feel that little devil wheeling me to the keyboard, I could hear that little voice in my head telling me what to say, how to say it and to whom. It wasn't wrong, in fact it was so good it filled me with joy, excitement and anticipation. And, as I was trying to calm myself down, a feeble attempt to learn from my previous engagements, I finally understood. It's great I have all this energy just dying to get out, it's an amazing feeling but it's not enough.
I need to calm the fuck down and wait.
If it's not mutual, if he's not driven in the middle of the night by the desire to share at least an honest boner, not to mention an idea, then it's definitely a lost cause. It has to be mutual and it has to be now. Too late figuring things out way later when I'm already resigned to idea it was "something" there, not sure "what" anymore and ready to (or even) move(d) on.
The reason I ended up feeling like the fly bumping against the glass so many times before was not me bursting with emotion, but the fact that I never allowed the object of my desire to figure out how the hell he felt about me. I was so busy buzzing around that instead of looking for the right flower to present me, he reached for the repeller instead.
Just. Wait.
Tick-tock.
I miss him, you know... It's been a while since we last talked. I don't have a grudge against holidays; I resent the consumerism, but I enjoy the season and the time at home with my family. I just find myself distracted a lot thinking of this man. He's away, far, far away, and we're not that close to call him or email him to see "what's up". I want him to have a good time with his family, but I wish he would miss me too, if only a little bit.
It was a great line about this: "I want you to notice when I'm not around" - sound familiar?
Anyway, I hope I'll handle myself better this time.