I don't even know why I am writing this to you, I just felt the need to. Not sure if I'm doing it for you or for myself, either.
I'm not qualified to offer help, in any way, for I have no people skills, and no training. But I'm offering my ears, if you ever want to talk to a perfect stranger, and my words. Why would you need them? I have absolutely no idea. Are they advices? Hell no, I would have shoved them up my own ass before putting them in writing that way.
I feel a sort of connection to you. And it's ok if it's only a one way street.
I grew up pretty fucked up myself and I don't always sync with the world the way I should be. A lifetime ago I used to be more empathic to people in pain, and more understanding, but I no longer show it. I've actually trained myself to look the other way. I found out people were going for my compassion/emotion/nurturing like looters after a riot. Needless to say they never left anything behind nor gave anything in exchange. And it's not that I expected anything in return, but too many times I was left with absolutely nothing, finding it impossible to fuel my own zest for life.
It doesn't take a qualified person to understand you are in some sort of hell. Who put you there and why you are there still is up to you to figure out. It took me just as much as 35 years to figure out that by taking care of me and my needs, and thinking of what I want to do, how my life needs to be in order for me to find reason in being alive has nothing to do with me becoming a bad person. I think I am actually a better human being for standing up for myself, taking action into bettering myself, taking care of my own happiness instead of delegating one man or another to make me happy.
I am not saying we should not love men or seek affection anymore, I'm just saying we shouldn't feel validated by anyone else but our own damn selves.
We need to be more in touch with ourselves. And first we need to figure out who we are. It sounds cliche, but then it should be pretty easy, right? Well, I've been asking myself who I am and what the hell I am doing in my own life. Every night, for months now. The answer has not yet come to me, but I feel it's the right path to follow. It's like working out the smart way, 2 lousy push-ups a day instead of a furious work-out that leaves you dead and with no desire to continue the next day. I am on this path and I am taking baby-steps learning my whereabouts instead of running amok and getting lost in the forest.
I haven't touched a knife since I was a kid. Back then I often thought about killing my father for all the shit he had put my mom and me through. It wasn't a day's impulse, it was a fight I fought with myself for years. We all have good and bad inside, so don't let that freak you out one bit. And yes, we're all capable of murder. Be it in self-defense or for survival, if not for greedier, bleaker reasons. It's how we deal with the bad that ultimately shapes and defines the good. Us.
Whenever things would go wrong with a man I loved, my first impulse was allowing me to wallow in self-pitty. Why me, I am so this and I am so that. So a certain feeling of self-worth was always there. We need to work on those traits that add to our self-value.
Self-actualization is not related to how others perceive us, accept us, or reject us. I realized I shouldn't waste time anymore figuring out why person X rejected me or why person Y didn't love me more. Finding that path to myself will make all this line of events redundant. Finding out why I'm here is my business, not somebody else's.
3 years ago a man I loved more than my own life told me he "was not going to be responsible for my happiness." I didn't understand then, I felt like he stabbed me in the back after I told him I couldn't imagine living without him. I cried and tormented myself for months and wanted to die. It's not a figure of speech, I really wanted to die. I'm glad I didn't, because I had the opportunity to grow. Growing is not an easy process either, because we suicidally tend to clutter our garden with junk instead of leaving us room for maturing. The moment we start realizing what is really important in our lives, getting ready to throw away all the unnecessary luggage, we're halfway there.
And we should never love anyone more than ourselves, be it our mother, boyfriend, or our kid.