How long is 8 years? Well, for me it was not that long. Most of it went by in a flash.
Except the waiting part...
Waiting for my divorce to go through. 6 years, compared to the 13 months of actual marriage.
Waiting for a better job.
Waiting for a better paying job.
Waiting for the right moment to leave this place behind, and always finding a reason not to.
Waiting for the right moment to wear this lingerie/that dress/those shoes, until they no longer fitted.
Waiting for the prices to drop on that particular phone/laptop/player until it was obsolete.
Waiting for this or that guy to write/call/come by/come clean/get his shit together/get lost/get out of my system.
Despite my depiction, waiting is actually not a curse. Instead of being an invitation to failure, as perpetual procrastination is, waiting has an inherent silver lining to it, holding the illusive promise of hope.
If life was all about fitting pieces comfortably together, I would have finished the puzzle a long time ago. I would now be living a perfect, comfy, uneventful middle class existence with my one and only boyfriend. I knew we would never have any reason not to get along. I knew it could and it would have been forever. And that perspective terrified me the most, as it erased all the variables from the equation.
It's like you're being told you're going to die for sure when you're 87 years, 3 months and 6 days old. You probably won't be able to enjoy your longevity, knowing for certain when your life is destined to end. I know I wouldn't. I'd rather live less, and not know what tomorrow holds.
I know most people chase the "happily ever after" mirage. In a way, I do too. I guess I just secretly wish I never find it.
Is that why I'm constantly sabotaging my personal life?
That is a very good question, but not even I know the answer to it. Instead of paying hefty bills to shrinks, I've been scribbling here for the last 8 years, confiding in whomever was willing to listen at the time. It's been less expensive, and more rewarding, as I've managed to increase the number of people I call "friends" from 3, to... well... more than that. It also increased the number of people I call "assholes", but perhaps more about that in another post.